Life happens, I guess

Hi friend ♡ It’s been a while. I hope your spring was lovely. So much has happened on my end and I have a lot to tell you - and I will tell you everything in time - but some things are harder to talk about than others and I still need time to process it all.

There are many reasons for why I’ve been gone, but to sum it up in one word: life. For most of the spring, it felt like I was busy living. It was great and completely exhausting at the same time, but I was thriving. My social calendar was fuller than ever, I felt very present and like my main focus was experiencing and enjoying life for a while. After all, I had just finished years of intensive trauma therapy and was excited to find out who I’d become and what my life could actually feel like.

We all need time to just be sometimes.

But then things took a bit of a turn. I was involved in a police case which resulted in me getting a restraining order against someone. The police called his actions stalking, harassment and assault. That whole thing is still ongoing (although this person has been leaving me alone for now) and I’m debating whether or not I want to press charges for an event that occurred. My case would be dismissed for lack of physical evidence, which is fine, but I just want there to be some consequence, some record of this for the future. I’m worried about the next person and if he’d do the same to them. Did you know that a restraining order doesn’t show up on someone’s record? At least not in Norway. I didn’t. I thought it definitely would, especially when it’s against you. Like, it shows that you were involved in a case where someone felt threatened or unsafe enough around you to take out a restraining order, and that the legal authorities also agreed it was necessary and warranted. And still, that doesn’t show up anywhere and you get to have your record be spotless and keep going as if nothing happened? That doesn’t feel okay to me.

I’ve been hesitant to talk about this. For a while I considered not mentioning it at all, mostly because he will probably read everything I write (at least for a while) and the thought of that makes me uncomfortable. But that’s true whether I write about him or not. In general, I try not to allow the thought of “the wrong person” reading my blog be something that holds me back from writing what I want to write. I write for my desired demographic, which is varied and diverse, but in essence I write for those who need it. Exactly what people end up taking away from my words is not in my control. My only responsibility is to continue putting my writing out there, to keep showing up for those who need it.

I really feel like I’ve been failing you these past few months. Half of my reason for disappearing is that things were busy and stressful, but the other half are excuses.

I’m hiding again, I can tell. But I’m trying to come back out.

When the restraining order was put into place, I felt some immediate relief. The relief of being taken seriously, of being validated and protected …but what I didn’t feel was ‘safe’. The circumstances of the situation lead me to believe that this person didn’t have much to lose. And people who don’t have much to lose can do reckless things. I honestly worried the restraining order would exacerbate the whole thing. My thoughts got pretty dark at times. When I expressed these thoughts to friends and family and they told me that they shared my fears, it didn’t exactly put my mind at ease.

Honestly, what I expected throughout this whole situation was for everyone to tell me things like “this is nothing, it’s all in your head”, but instead the complete opposite happened. I was the one who was the most casual about all of it. As soon as I started describing the situation, the police reacted with alarm and wanted to take action right away. My friends and family didn’t want me to be home by myself. I was the only one saying “it probably won’t escalate any further” - but that’s what I’d been saying from the beginning. And it hadn’t been true. When I realized this, it hit me pretty hard that I might not actually be safe. That’s still difficult for me to believe, because I don’t want to believe that this person could actually hurt me - but they already did. They already violated my boundaries and my body. Did we reach the limit yet of what they are capable of? It doesn’t matter, and I don’t intend to find out.

At that point, my PTSD symptoms had been flaring up for weeks already. I couldn’t believe I was back to checking my house for intruders and holding my breath when passing a man on the street.

My body would wake me up every couple of hours to check for safety. Every time I would wake up, no matter the time, my first instinct was to scan the room to make sure I was alone. I was barely awake, it wasn’t even a conscious thought. Isn’t that amazing, when you think about it? It was exhausting and I was sometimes annoyed with myself for not being able to relax, but when your body is in a hypervigilant state, it will do everything it can to keep you safe.

One day the alarm in my house had malfunctioned and never turned on when I left, so imagine my panic when I came home and it looked like someone had turned it off. Of course no one but me and my family has access to the keys and alarm codes, but I wasn’t thinking rationally. All I knew is that I definitely turned the alarm on before I left the house, and when I came back, it was off. Lightheaded, I checked every room with my phone flashlight. The basement, all the closets, under the bed. There was nothing there.

I even started avoiding my solo late night walks and felt scared at the thought of leaving the house in the evenings. If I left the house, I had my phone in my hand ready to dial ‘112’. More than once, I saw someone and walked in the opposite direction to avoid passing them. Sometimes I jogged home, telling myself it was for exercise when my thoughts said “get home now”.

⊹

A few weeks after the restraining order was passed, something strange happened to my body. It came on fast - within a day or two I was barely functioning. I was constantly dizzy. It felt like being on a ship and it never stopped. When I closed my eyes, the room was spinning. Actually, it felt more like I was the one spinning. Like I was out of place with reality. I also had a long list of other symptoms. At first, it gave me intense anxiety. I was convinced something had to be seriously wrong. Did I have a stroke? Is this the beginning of MS? My mother has it, and although I don’t think that will be part of my life’s journey (don’t ask me how I know that - it’s just a feeling I have), it’s natural that when something feels physically or neurologically wrong, we jump to some conclusions. The anxiety didn’t help either. Apparently, there’s something known as the dizzy-anxious cycle. They can both feed each other and create a loop that takes some help to get out of.

For a few days, I was barely able to walk. I couldn’t drive. Closing my eyes or trying to sleep was intensely uncomfortable. I was extremely aware of everything. I had panic attacks and was terrified this would be my life from now on, that it would last forever.

Thankfully, the doctors, as well as my own research, told me it wouldn’t. The doctors who treated me called it an acute stress response. My nervous system was overloaded. After all my years of experiencing and learning about the effects of trauma on the mind and body, I had never come across this. I had no idea this was a thing that could happen, and that is why I think it’s important to talk about. If my experience can help someone else, it makes it a lot easier to deal with. That was the thought that got me through the worst moments.

I’m not fully out on the other side of this yet, but it is getting better. Today was the first day where I felt relatively well and it was great! I’m keeping in mind that there will be ups and downs and that healing isn’t linear, and I’ll try not to be too disappointed if I wake up dizzy again tomorrow. That doesn’t take away from the fact that I had an amazing day today.

What I want now is to continue living my life. Not as if this never happened - I don’t think I could do that. But I’m ready to put my focus back where it belongs.

See you soon ♡