What you avoid out of fear will hold you prisoner until you set yourself free

So lately, I’ve been doing a lot of shadow work journaling (because this is the year we integrate all our parts in order to lovingly embody our full selves!) and it’s forced me to really listen to those fear- and shame-based parts of myself that we all would prefer stay silenced.

It is uncomfortable work, pushing yourself to sit there and let those thoughts and repressed emotions come to the surface, and it can be even more uncomfortable to let them speak without instantly dismissing them. Actually leaning in and listening requires a certain confidence in yourself to do, because you have to believe that whatever surfaces, you can handle it.

If you didn’t have that belief, it makes sense that you would continue to avoid it. But if I may remind you, confidence usually follows action. It comes as a result of witnessing your own capability. So if you don’t do the thing you’re avoiding out of lack of confidence, how is that confidence ever going to show up?

What do you think you’re missing right now? You’d probably say something like “the feeling of being capable”, or “strength”, or “belief in myself”, but if you prove to yourself through action that you can actually handle doing something, those feelings would naturally follow, because you’d have the proof you’ve been waiting for! Pretty cool how that works. I mean, it sucks at first because you have to start out feeling not that great about it, but you will be rewarded for it. Trust.

If you experience a lot of anxiety in general, you might think you don’t have this issue of avoidance. Like, the anxious parts of you are constantly making themselves heard, right? But are you listening? Or do you push it away, distract and repress?

As someone who has struggled with anxiety since childhood, I would actually go as far as saying that if you experience a lot of anxiety, you might have more of an issue with this than others. That is a generalization, but allow me to explain what I mean:

Anxiety is there to tell you something, right? It’s a messenger. But the message can’t be delivered if you keep running away and fighting it at every turn. I know that is our human instinct because we don’t want to be uncomfortable or in danger. But listening to your anxiety is actually super important to discern which of those you’re dealing with.

Am I uncomfortable, or am I in danger? Both can be fixed, but obviously with very different approaches.

It’s funny to think back on all the things I ran away from, believing my nervous system who told me I was in danger, when in reality I was just uncomfortable. Of course, it wasn’t a conscious choice. There was little to no inner dialogue about much of it, it was more like anxiety arises → feelings of danger and distress take over → run away.

And then as soon as I had “escaped”, I’d feel a flood of relief. Like, disaster averted. But of course, what actually happened a lot of the time is that I created a new problem instead, because most of the things I ran from were opportunities, not threats.

This is a complex topic, and there is also a conversation to be had about how much discomfort a person can take.

I’d also like to add a small side note here that for autistic people, it can be difficult to discern between things like sensory overload, and anxiety due to being out of our comfort zone, especially when we’re young. Your comfort zone can be safely expanded, but your sensory “budget” kind of is what it is. Personally, my tolerance for sensory stimuli has gotten much higher with age though, so wherever you land on the spectrum of sensory sensitivity, it doesn’t have to be permanent.

The point is, in order to feel capable, your nervous system needs proof. And in order to collect proof, you have to do things that feel uncomfortable (not dangerous!) at first, and with practice, these things will be incorporated into your comfort zone and they will start to feel normal to you. What you once avoided out of fear, will now be an everyday thing.

Even if you never became that comfortable, even if you still felt some fear before you were about to do something, would that really mean you’re better off giving up on it?

Can we not reframe the goal in that situation? Isn’t it still a tremendous achievement, maybe an even bigger one, to prove to yourself over and over again that you can do the thing part of you fears and wants to avoid? You keep feeling the fear and doing it anyway. That’s actually incredible! Think of all the people who weren’t bothered by that thing at all, and they did it no problem, and here you are doing it too when it was that difficult for you! That’s what it means to be brave. Bravery is not required if you’re unafraid.

You know how some musicians say they always get so nervous that they throw up before going on stage? But I bet every single one of them is someone’s favourite artist. Every single one of them has someone out there just so incredibly grateful that they do go out on that stage, instead of running away from the thing they fear, because otherwise their unique contribution would be lost.

We’re all scared of something. And most of our fears, even the ones we don’t talk about much because of how rooted in shame they are (and shame is the feeling we all most want to avoid), are normal and common. And they occur for completely logical and evolutionary reasons that are meant to protect us.

Most days, I’m friends with my anxiety. I know it’s just there to protect me, it doesn’t want to hurt or scare me. A tip I have found very useful is to actually thank your anxiety or your brain out loud. Say “thank you for trying to keep me safe” and give your head a little pat :’)

I’ve also found it useful to visualize that all the versions of myself are in a car together, and the anxious part is usually a child- or teenager-version of me. Everyone is free to speak up, but I’m the one driving. The version of me who is confident and capable, she will listen to the other me’s in the car, but if any of them wants to drive, they are gently reminded that I can’t let them do that, because that wouldn’t be what’s best for us.

They are welcome to stay in the car, but I’m going to be doing the driving.

Anyway, anyway, anyway.

What made me start writing this in the first place is that I had some thoughts come up during my shadow work earlier that I wanted to share. I was feeling unusual amounts of anxiety for a few days and it felt like I was avoiding something, though I couldn’t put my finger on what, so I sat down with my journal and allowed the feelings and accompanying thoughts to surface. It was uncomfortable, and I did actually have to push myself quite a bit to stay in it.

The feeling I was avoiding was one of rejection, or the anticipation of it.

For the past couple days, I have been trying to edit a YouTube video, but I’ve been feeling a lot of resistance around it. Like putting it off, making excuses, sometimes even feeling real anxiety at the thought of working on it. This made me curious, so I wanted to figure out what this was about. (That’s another tip for dealing with anxiety or unpleasant emotions by the way, try to meet it with curiosity instead of annoyance if you can.)

Here are the thoughts that accompanied my sense of anticipatory rejection:

“What if my confidence is just delusion and everyone can tell? Like I have this positive mindset that tells me I can do it and everything is going to turn out fine, but what if that’s a lie and people are actually seeing me for what I really am, which is cringey and ugly and uncool and they pity me because I don’t know how retarded I seem?” (My mind did actually use the R-slur lmao :’) I wanted to be really honest here so we’re keeping that part in.)

In this mental image, it really was like seeing a group of people all standing in a crowd around me, looking at me with disgust for not “knowing my place” and thinking I could be this person… but already here, this “reality” is coming apart at the seams. If “this person” is me, then I already am that person. This means I’m not trying to be something, I already am that something.

As for the potential rejection from others, well. I trust myself to be able to handle it if it does happen. I’ve handled emotional pain before and I can do it again. That’s all it is, emotional pain. And it’s fleeting, too. And that’s the worst case scenario.

When you think about it, there is no such thing as people. Everyone is just someone. The world is made up of individual humans. Individual humans might have something to say about you or what you’re doing, but they don’t speak for everyone. They’re just the one speaking right now, so we might mistake that for some universal opinion. Of course, there’s no such thing, so you’re much better off asking yourself what your opinion is and letting that guide you.

Another thought I had was “maybe I should wait until I’m closer to my weight loss goal before posting videos, because if I post now, then people will see me before I’ve hit my goal.” Part of me believes that I’m not “good enough” to allow myself to be seen yet. That I need to be “better” first. Even though in so many ways, I’m already better than I was last year, and the year before, and the year before… that’s still not good enough.

Of course, this thought is just trying to keep me from potential rejection, harm and discomfort.

It is uncomfortable to have to stare at your own physical form for hours while editing a video, if you’re not completely happy with what you see. It’s easier to put it off until you become good enough and in theory won’t find any flaws that need correcting. But I’m trying to use that as exposure therapy and intentionally accept that this is what I looked like at the time of filming, and that can always change and improve if I want. It’s okay.

I’m also scared of other people seeing me through that critical lens and letting me know about it (because it wouldn’t impact me or hurt if they didn’t say anything), and something I’m maybe even more afraid of is other people giving me new insecurities that I didn’t even have before, like pointing out something I’ve never even noticed about myself. Really hate it when that happens.

But again, if that does happen, I trust myself to be able to handle it. And again, these are worst case scenarios. That means any other scenario is much more likely to happen!

Maybe the thing I’m most scared of is complete disapproval, ultimate rejection. But actually picturing that is such a ridiculous disaster-scenario that it instantly loses all its’ power. There will be no mob with pitchforks, demanding that I go away forever, or at least until I’m perfect, and then maaayyybe they’d consider letting me back into society.

The lengths our brains go to in order to keep us safe is funny sometimes.

The conclusion I came to, is that you don’t have to wait until you’ve achieved all your goals before you start sharing, before you allow other people to see you, and most importantly, before you allow yourself to be seen by others.

They might sound like the same thing, but to me there is a difference.

You can let someone see you without letting yourself be seen by them. You can allow someone to witness, while still holding back. Still having your guard up, still hiding parts of yourself.

“Allowing yourself to be seen” puts the focus on you, not them. It tells you that it is okay for you to be seen, that you are worthy and that it is safe, even if it feels scary.

It gives you the permission that you are the only one who can give yourself.

If you start sharing yourself before you reach all your goals, it gives others who are in the same situation a chance to relate to you. Not just to some vague past-version of you, but this one. And that matters. That has value.

If you start sharing yourself before you reach all your goals, it serves as a record of your progress to look back on in the future. Rewarding for you, and inspiring for others who aren’t as far along in their journey yet.

If you start sharing yourself before you reach all your goals, it creates confidence. You will feel more confident as a result of your bravery, and people who relate to you will feel more confident in themselves and their own abilities because they see you doing it. So if you can’t do it for yourself, can you do it for them?

Seeing someone’s journey and getting to be part of it is inspiring.

I hope we can all remember that in those moments where we feel like our contribution could only be of value when it’s perfect, when we are at our absolute best.