The first post on this blog

Hello and welcome to my new blog!

I say “new” because this is not my first attempt at blogging - in fact, it is something like my fifth. Back in the mid-2000s, I had a LiveJournal (complete with “just got my first DSLR camera” photography) that nobody read, then for a while in the early 2010s I had a Norwegian blog, before transitioning to Tumblr, where I remained for many years.

Lately, I’ve been feeling the itch to write again. I don’t think it ever really went away, I just ignored it and wrote in the notes app on my phone or in the many notebooks scattered around my house when the need to get the words out of my head overcame me. But I keep wishing for someplace to unite it all, someplace to have my thoughts, experiences and progress gathered, if only to have somewhere to look back on it all.

But I would be lying if I said it was only for myself. For as long as I can remember, I have had a need to reach other people. To connect based on shared experiences, feelings or thoughts. To be the person someone needs at a certain time in their life. To provide the words and perspectives that will help someone when they need it the most. That is also why I choose to write in English instead of my native language - because it means being able to reach more people with my words. (I believe that what is meant for you will find you, but why make it harder than necessary?)

This blog was created as an outlet for my thoughts and to have somewhere to write about the process of healing from PTSD, life as a late-diagnosed autistic woman, and what it’s like being autistic in a neurotypical world. I also want to share my passion for nature, animals, evolving as a human and the beauty of our shared existence (something I spend a lot of time thinking about). And anything else I feel like sharing. Because I’m a real person, and real people have more than one side.

I have many hobbies and passions (don’t we all?), and robbing yourself of the pleasure of sharing them with others is a specific kind of self-torture. I don’t think everybody can relate to this, but - I mean when you’re holding yourself back from sharing certain sides of yourself and your life with others, even though you want to share them, just because it doesn’t fit in with the niche others expect you to stay in, or what you expect from yourself. “Staying in your lane”, and all that. And you find yourself thinking “I wish I could share this with people, but it wouldn’t fit, it would be too random, no one would be interested too see that from me”.

But this is what we are told to do. It’s almost like we’ve been conditioned, at least over the last decade, to “pick a niche”. If you want your work (whether it’s writing, photography, making videos, etc.) to reach your intended audience and succeed, then you need to pick a category and stick to it. Make yourself predictable enough that people always know what they will get from you. If you stray too far from that, it will be too chaotic for anyone to follow.

Personally, I don’t think that’s true.

It doesn’t work for me, and it doesn’t seem to work for most other people. People do not easily fit into boxes, and I don’t think it’s good for us to try too hard to do that, either.

Whenever I have tried to make myself fit into any kind of category, it just makes me want to rebel against those limits, however self-imposed. It fuels a fight in my own head: “But if I do or say that, then it won’t fit with what others have come to expect of me, but if I don’t do it then I’m not being true to myself”. This can go on in endless circles until I have exhausted myself. Pointless, you might say, and you’d be right.

I think there is a growing desire to see real, multidimensional people with varied passions. People sharing themselves with the world in a less filtered way, not worrying about if their next creation will fit into the same neat box as their previous work. Letting themselves evolve however feels natural and right to them, even if they confuse others in the process.

That’s not an easy thing to do; being okay with potentially disappointing others (and potentially getting negative feedback!). But it is necessary for true growth, and like anything else, it’s a skill that can be practiced.

One of my favourite photographers (not sure if I should name them because I’m about to critique their work?? But okay I will, it’s Andrew Kearns) radically changed up his style some years ago, and I was disappointed. This was a photographer whose work I had been following and admiring for years, and who ended up becoming a big influence on me.

I remember laying in my bed and watching his vlogs on YouTube, longing to be out in nature myself, driving up a mountain, hiking, taking photos, coming home to edit, feeling happy with the outcome of the day. This was in 2016-2017, a dark time in my life. Some days, Andrew’s vlogs and work (along with the work of other photographers I admired) were the main force that got me out of bed and out of the house.

If it wasn’t for their unintentional reminders that I had something to live for, I would have stayed in bed. And the days I got out into nature, even just for a short while, kept me sane enough to handle the days when I didn’t. For that, I feel a lot of gratitude towards these people I have never met. They made a real difference in my life, and in the lives of many others too, I’m sure.

Subconsciously, I had expected Andrew’s work to always stay the same. Evolve, yes, but not into a different style altogether. Not into something I no longer liked. Until his work changed, I wasn’t even aware that I had this expectation that it wouldn’t.

I stayed a follower throughout the years, continuing to be inspired by his older photography. Whenever I saw something new had been posted - and subsequently didn’t like it very much - it still served as a reminder of how his work had affected me, once upon a time. And how now, hopefully, it was serving the same purpose for someone else.

I’ve been liking his recent work again, he continues to evolve and is an incredible photographer. But my opinion of his work doesn’t matter.

These people who inspired me don’t owe me anything. Maybe I’m the one who owes them, for the difference they made in my life. The least I can do is accept that they won’t stay the same. And I can hope and believe that when their work isn’t for me, it will be for someone else. And it will be the thing that gets them out of bed. It will be exactly what they need.

But I wonder, did Andrew experience the same internal struggle as I have, before he decided to change up his work? Did he worry about his audience being confused or disappointed, about losing followers? Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But it seems that he felt that this change was necessary, and went with it.

When you have a desire inside you to create, whether it’s with words or pictures or something else, it’s like having a voice in your mind that can’t be silenced. It keeps talking to you, and it gets louder and more insistent when you aren’t creating and fulfilling your visions. At least that’s how it feels to me.

You can try to ignore it, but there is a constant restlessness that gnaws at you, and the visions of what you want to be creating never stray far from your thoughts.

The same is true when we are ready to evolve, to take next steps, to go in a different direction - this need for change will keep making itself known to you until you go along with it, and tell yourself “What’s the worst that could happen? Let’s give it a try and see where it takes me.”

We are under no obligation to remain the same; our only obligation is to be true to ourselves.

This blog is my journey in doing just that.

It is my hope that my writings will reach those who need it. If you are here, then this is for you ♡